Memorial for Cadbury...

Cadbury
My Precious One
May 13 2011-May 5 2015

Cadbury died this morning and I'm so distraught.

I've been very concerned about her all week because every day she seemed to grow more listless and would just sit in the same spot the entire night. The labor-inducing medication never worked and she never layed...I never saw her drink the droplets of water off of her, and she wasn't eating (but geckos don't usually eat when pregnant)...I went to the Reptile Expo this past Sunday and I was asking the other crested gecko breeders about her and describing her problem, and all of them were of the general opinion that I was worrying too much and that she would lay in time. Everyone was telling me that I was overdramatizing and worrying too much, even that vet. I was the only one who was worried about Cadbury and now she's dead...I'm kind of swayed to be angry at that vet for not expressing more concern when I took her in a week ago and took more strenuous actions to save her, but I guess being angry never solved anything and it won't bring my beautiful girl back to me.

This morning Cadbury was in the corner and I took her out to look her over. Her rear end was kind of wet and I took her into the bathroom where the light was better. I could see that Cadbury was pushing, trying to get those eggs out of her but all that she could get out of her was pee and poo. My poor girl was wiggling on her belly in my hand, squirming with her hind legs back trying to push, but she just couldn't get them out. She was having trouble walking and was in distress. I thought it may be a good time to try the warm water treatment again. I put her in a bowl of warm water, but she panicked and ran out. (Geckos don't really like to have a soak). I put her back in and she seemed calmer, but she was slipping under the surface. So I took her out, I couldn't keep on doing these things to her. I felt bad doing all these things that were upsetting her even though it was to help her. So I put her in my bra, thinking maybe my warmth would help her. She grew very quiet, and died in about 20 minutes.

My eyes are swollen from crying all day. I loved her so much and worked so hard to try to save her right up to the last morning.. I hope my heartbeat gave her comfort in her final moments, I hope she knew that I was trying to save her but I'm afraid that she didn't and I'm hurting because I wanted to make her more comfortable, but I'm afraid I didn't what with my efforts to save her. I'm afraid I stressed her out more than gave her comfort. This is breaking my heart and I ache that my love wasn't enough to save her.

I brought home ice cream from Dairy Queen (an ice cream parlour), and watched Charlotte's Web. It seem like an appropriate movie to watch today and I cried from beginning to end. I had Cadbury's mother, Mocha, with me on my shoulder. I wonder if she understood what had happened and my sorrow. Perhaps she did. I believe animals and geckos understand more than most people think they do. I also cut off about 8 inches of my hair in my grief. I'll bury it with her. I told her to wait with Peaches on the Otherside. I'll be there and looking for her. I know I'll see my beautiful precious Cadbury again, but right now my heart is breaking...

In my grief, I'm also wondering if that vet would have taken more actions if she was a cat or dog...but then geckos are such delicate creatures that even if he did operate she may not have survived it.

I had Cadbury since she hatched from the egg and she was the most beautiful baby I ever hatched. She was so small when she hatched that I nicknamed her "Little Peanut". She was very special to me and I loved her. I know I did everything I could to save her but I still feel like it must be my fault somehow...

I am so very glad that I did that Christmas photo shoot with her, her mother, and me. It turned out to be her last Christmas and I got some beautiful pictures of us together. Here is my favorite:


Here is Cadbury, her parents Mocha and Hibiscus, and me as Santa:


The pizza party photo shoot was done only two weeks before her demise and she seemed perfectly fine. I'm so glad I have these beautiful picture of her:
 

And I also did a photo shoot with Cadbury and Mocha in March. I'm so glad I have these beautiful pictures of her and her mother:
   

Other special pictures of Cadbury:
 

I'm grieving right now and my heart is broken, but I'm glad I have these beautiful pictures of my precious one, my beautiful sweet Cadbury.